devastation.

Words cannot adequately describe how I'm feeling right now. Today was supposed to be amazing. It was supposed to be the best day of this whole journey. Instead, it was the worst.

It started yesterday, knowing that I would be getting my blood drawn today was causing so much anxiety. It was finally the time when we would find out, 100%, if this was going to actually happen. All along, we've remained incredibly optimistic and hardly acknowledged the possibility of a failed transfer. After all, they had the fancy chromosome testing done to insure the best of the best were being transfered. My lining was perfect. The transfer went smoothly, why wouldn't it work.

I didn't sleep well last night thanks to all the anxiety. This morning, I was practically sick to my stomach thinking of what could happen today. I did my best to get the kids ready and off to school, and headed straight to the Naval Hospital. Last week, I had emailed my doctor to make sure that I could go straight to the lab with the orders from Dr. Nemiro, and since they had said yes, I made my way straight there. Of course, once I was there, things didn't go so smoothly...they were killing me! Since Dr. Nemiro was not in their system, they could not put the order through. They needed more information from Dr. Nemiro, and we would also have to wait for a specific person to add him, and she didn't get in until 9am. Oh, but I forgot to mention that she takes the bus to work, and with all the rain, who knows if she will be late or not. To avoid any extra waiting and stress, I headed over to my doctor's clinic and asked the the nurse if they could just put the order in for me. Thankfully, she did, and I headed back to get my blood drawn. I turned the corner and there was a HUGE line for the lab. Before, I had walked straight up to the counter! Ugh!! Don't these people know I had something important to do!? I finally got drawn, and then I had to wait...they said it would be about an hour.

I returned to the clinic and let them know I'd be waiting there. Thankfully, the Naval Hospital has wifi now, so at least I was able to get online and try to distract myself. After being there for about 30 minutes, and trying to stay calm, my friend Heather showed up with her son. It was SO nice to see them. They were there for her son to get a flu shot, and due to allergies, they would have to wait for a while afterwards. It was nice to have some company there to help distract me.

As soon as the clerk started walking toward me with my results, I knew it as bad news. I could tell by the look on her face that I was not going to be happy with what the paper in her hand was going to tell me. My HCG was only 1.2. To be even close to be considered pregnant, the HCG needs to be at least 5. I thanked Heather for keeping me company and headed to my car, trying my best to hold it together. As soon as I got outside, I called the clinic to let them know. Tears started flowing immediately and I could barely read my results to Jubilee. I asked them to call Ali, I was too scared to do it. I sent out a few texts and then sat in my car crying. I pulled it together a little and drove over to Ethan's school to pick him up. On the way, I missed a call from the doctor. I called him right back, but he had just stepped out, so I sat outside the school and waited for him to call.

Once he called back, the tears started flowing again. In his words, the office was very surprised that I had called with negative results. It was not at all what they had expected to hear. The embryos were fantastic, and very high grade. He said that the embryologist was shocked. He went on to say that they have an 84% success rate when chromosome testing is done. That's pretty good for a fertility clinic. But, that also means that 16% of the time, it just doesn't work, and there's no explanation why. What he said next was very surprising to me. He wants me to continue taking my medications. Say what? I just got a negative test, further attempts are not possible, why would I keep the medications going? While he said we should not remain hopeful, and he doesn't want us to go through this disappointment again, he wants me to get my blood drawn again on Monday.

It turns out, there have been a few instances where the initial HCG was incorrect. Just three weeks ago, they had a similar case where a woman with great embryos came back with a negative test. They just couldn't believe it, so they kept her on her medications and rechecked her four days later. At that point, her levels were where they were supposed to be, she really was pregnant. Had they stopped her medications after the first blood test, she would have lost the baby. Therefore, he felt he needs to again follow his instincts and keep the medications in my system. I have an appointment at a different lab Monday morning at 8am, right before I go to work. It will truly be a miracle if we get a positive result on Monday, but I'm up for continuing the medications and seeing what God's plan truly is.

I will be elated if the results change, but ultimately, I'm prepared for them to be exactly the same. I can't go through this pain again in just a few days. At this point, I just want to accept God's will and His plan. While we may not be able to understand his reasoning now, someday, we will. Maybe there is a baby being born somewhere that Ali and Brian are meant to adopt, and if this had worked, it wouldn't happen. Prayers are appreciated now, just as much as they ever have been. Prayers for peace in our hearts and minds, and strength to go on despite such devastating news.

frustration.

This past week (tomorrow) has probably been one if the most stressful, frustrating weeks of my life. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea I would be this anxious for test time. I also didn't realize just how the medications would make me feel.

First of all, I've had a lot of pain with my injections. After a few days, I was ready to call it quits and asked if there were other options. Unfortunately, they want me to go to at least 8 weeks on the progesterone in oil. After tons of googling, Carlos and I finally figured out the perfect injection site, and things have improved significantly. He has been giving me all of my injections, and is doing a great job. This all happened after I sat through the most excruciating pain of my life, as he massaged giant knots of clumped up olive oil out if my butt. I'm still sore, but it's tolerable. I can sit again, and the heating pad has become my best friend.

Secondly, early symptoms of pregnancy and side effects of the progesterone are almost identical. Exhaustion. Dizziness. Urinary frequency. Bloating. Almost every symptom I've had that made me think I was pregnant, is also a side effect of the progesterone, which makes me question all of it. On the positive side, I've already had some food aversions, mild cramping, mild nausea, and a very sensitive sense of smell!

Lastly, the wait. I am probably the LEAST patient person on the face of the planet. Thursday cannot come fast enough. I wish we could just go and get my blood drawn now, but I know it is just too early. If we want accurate results, we have to wait.

Praying for some peace in my heart to accept God's will, whatever it may be, and survive these next few days with as little anxiety as possible!

transfer day.

What a crazy exciting day it was. Our appointment was at 1:30pm, so Ali and I spent the morning laying in bed, watching tv, and catching up on facebook. We finally decided we had better eat some lunch, so we headed over to Applebee's. Lunch was a little tense. We were both so excited, so nervous, so....I don't even know. Words can't explain how we were feeling. When we finished up, we headed to the clinic, even though we were early.

Just a little nervous

We were scheduled to check in at 1pm, but we were there by 12:40. Before we could even sit down, they whisked us right back to the room. I was shocked and suddenly got very nervous and shaky. I took a potty break and changed into my fashionable hospital gown, booties and hair cover. Ali was lucky enough to get to wear a "bunny" suit. Basically, a white paper jumpsuit...over her skirt and all! It was great. Then, Ali had to sign a million papers, again! Lisa, one of the clinic nurses who is absolutely hilarious, explained the procedure and gave us a remote so we could watch some "trash tv" while we were waiting. Nothing like some good crappy reality tv to make the time pass.

After a little tv time, Dr. Nemiro came in and explained the procedure, again. Then, we went into the surgical suite, and the miracle started! The room is dark (to protect the embryos) and there is a tv screen in there. There is also a small window in one of the walls that connects to the lab where the embryos are kept. As Dr. Nemiro, Lisa and Jubilee discussed changes they wanted to make to the website, and the arrangement of items in the room, they prepped me for the procedure. We got to watch as the lab tech (I think the embryologist, but I could totally be making that up) opened up the petrie dish with my name on, to verify that there were two "beautiful" embryos that were already hatching. We then watched as he used the pipette to collect both embryos and put them into the catheter. Then, Lisa left the room to go to the lab. A moment later, she returned with the embryologist. He then assisted Dr. Nemiro in placing the embryos. Dr. Nemiro has already placed a guide catheter through my uterus, so he just inserted his catheter into that catheter and injected the embryos. Once they are in place, they leave everything in place for 40 seconds to insure that the embryos don't get sucked out with the removal of the catheters. At this point, Ali was allowed to take flash photos, and the embryologist and Dr. Nemiro joked about having seizures from the flashing lights! It was hilarious and took away some of the tension from our end of the room.

Me and Lisa

Once the catheters were removed, we were done! I was transferred to a gurney and brought back to the first room we were in. I had to lay flat for 1 hour. The most important thing was to not lift my head. Lisa covered me up with a nice soft blankey, just like one at my mom's house, and I layed there and watched tv. Ali and I hardly talked. I think we were both to scared. We may or may not have cried a little bit too.

Dr. Nemiro getting things ready.

See those TINY dots at the top, in the middle, those are the embryos!

Once the hour was up, we were free to go. I had instructions to "take it easy" for the next week, no heavy lifting, pelvic rest, and insturctions on what was normal and what symptoms meant I needed to call in. They also told us to go out and enjoy a nice dinner...we laughed! There was NO way we were going to go out to dinner. We were headed straight back to the hotel and I was NOT going to move! I was afraid to do anything...stand up, walk to the car, sit in the car, pee (which Lisa made sure to tease me about relentlessly), walk into the hotel, sit up in bed. Basically, I didn't want to move at all. We ordered some pizza, watched some movies, and tried to sleep!

 If this video works, it's a short video of the embryologist bring the embryos in!

That was it. All the hard work we had done, the fundraising, the tests, etc was all for that! Now, it was time (still is time) to pray! Lots and lots of sticky prayers and prayers for peace in mine and Ali's hearts as we wait for the blood test to be done on the 13th!

crazy.

I think the phrase, "this is crazy," has come out of my mouth about 500 times this past week. When they did the ultrasound and my lining was great and the transfer date was picked. Talking to family, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc. On the drive out to Arizona Monday. In bed, watching HGTV at the hotel. When I woke up. I'm sure you get the point. It's crazy. I can't believe that today is THE day! All the hard work, stress, planning, traveling, everything we've been doing for the past year was leading up to this moment, and it's finally here! Crazy. Amazing!!

Despite being exhausted, and falling asleep about 2 seconds after I said, "these people are so picky, I have to stay awake to see what house they chose," I slept terribly. I woke up about a million times and just layed here thinking about it all. It didn't help that I was starving, that I got a call from work to see if I could come in (nope, I'm sorry, I'm busy getting pregnant today probably was not what they expected to hear), and my alarm going off to tell me it was time to get up and get the kids ready for school. Luckily, I was able to get a bit of sleep and woke up just in time to throw on my jeans and get some free breakfast a bagel, from the lobby. I took all my medications, and now I'm back in bed.

The shots have been rough. The first day, I was fine with them. They didn't really hurt at all. Now, my butt is so sore. Not really painful, just major muscle soreness. Plus, they make me SO tired. I was falling asleep, in the middle of the day, reading books to my kids. That is not like me at all! I also have one site that I think may be slightly infected. I'm on antibiotics for the transfer, and the spot is looking better, but it makes me nervous. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this for 12 weeks, twice a day. We will be talking to Dr. Nemiro about the other options, to see what will work best for me. I did break down yesterday and teach my husband how to do my injections. He did a great job, and was smart enough not to show how scared he was until he was done. It will be nice to have him do it for me every now and then. I also am utilizing my coworkers when I can. Juanita was the lucky one so far, MJ got to stand guard so no one walked in on us! No matter how hard it is to continue the injections, I will do what I have to do to give the babies their best chance!

At 1pm, we will head to the clinic. When the procedure starts, we will get to watch everything on video. The embryologist pipetting the little embryos into their tubes, Dr. Nemiro placing the embryos. There is probably a lot more to it than that, but since this is my first go-round, that's what I know for sure is happening. I will have to lay there for an hour, then we will come back to the hotel. I will be on bed rest until tomorrow, and we will head home tomorrow afternoon. They will be recording everything for Brian since he left on deployment Saturday morning.

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This post is kind of all over the place, and sorry I don't have any cool pictures for you, but maybe next time. My emotions are all over the place and are making me kind of scatter-brained at the moment. I'm just so happy to be here, and to know that this is really going to happen. In just a few short hours I'll be "pregnant"!! Thank you so much to everyone who has helped us get this far...without your help, this wouldn't be happening!

holy cow. it's really happening.

We have a date! How did this happen? I'd be lying if I said there was never a doubt in my mind that we'd get to the point. There have been many times where I thought that it just wasn't going to happen. Well, by the grace if God, it is. By this time next week, I will be pregnant. It is time for sticky prayers people!

My appointment today went perfect. They want my lining at 11mm or more, and it was at 14mm. Lisa, one of Dr. Nemiro's nurses, said everything looks perfect!

Tomorrow, I do my last lupron injection. Friday, I start progesterone injections, twice a day. These are the shots that will hurt. 2 ml of oil, into my butt, twice a day. I'm scared! I'm sure that once I do it, it won't be that bad. But right now, the fear of the unknown is killing me.

Monday, I will add Medrol to my regiment of pills. It is a steroid that helps prevent my body from attacking the embryos. Monday evening, Ali and I will head back to Arizona.

Tuesday at 1pm, we will go to the clinic. The procedure itself will happen at 1:30pm. As of right now, it looks as though Brian will not be there, so they will video tape it for him. We will stay in Phoenix until Wednesday afternoon.

On the 13th, I will have a serum HCG level drawn. The clinic will tell us as soon as they know anything. If it all works out, we will go to Arizona in a few weeks for an ultrasound to see how many babies took!!

I am so excited right now. I was shaking when we went over all the paperwork and arranged for the appointment. Please, keep us in your prayers. Pray that the babies stick and Brian and Ali will finally have the family they've wanted!

another busy week.

I hope you all have enjoyed your holiday and have time off to spend with your family!

Next week is another busy one, actually, the next two weeks are going to be busy. I will be flying out to Phoenix Tuesday morning. I have an appointment Wednesday morning in which they will do an ultrasound to check my uterine lining. This time, they want the lining to be nice and thick. I will fly back home that evening.

The next week, we will be heading out to Phoenix again. This time, it will be for the most important appointment of all!

I can't believe this is really happening. It is almost time. It's amazing to think that in less than 2 weeks, 2 little embryos will be inside of me!!!

my busy week.

Last week was just a bit crazy, but it was so worth it. My flight to Seattle went well and Brian's aunt Rebecca was incredibly accomadating. I love her condo in Edmonds. The town is adorable and she was right in middle of it. The weather was cold, but nice when I got there. First thing in the morning, we headed out to my pre-op appointment. I finally met Brian's aunt Debi who would be doing the procedure. We went over my history and she gave me instructions for the procedure and we were off to the pharmacy. The first place they sent me didn't accept my insurance, so we had to figure out a new place, but I was able to get all my pre-proceudure medications for about $6. After getting my medications, we went to Brian's grandma's apartment. She was so sweet and I'm so glad I got to meet her. I was able to see pictures of Brian...with hair! Who knew he ever had any!?

Shortly after returning to Rebecca's place, my friend Sam arrived. I was SO happy to get to spend time with her and to have someone "familiar" around during this stressful time. We walked around the town, she had lunch while I drank my clear liquids and envied her super delicious smelling panini. Then, the time came, and I had to start my medications. Valium and Vicodin together make for a great time. When it was finally time to head back to the clinic, I was feeling good! They got me in right away, and Sam waited for me in the waiting room, while Rebecca returned to her home. The procedure itself was quick and painless. I got to see the inside of my uterus which was pretty awesome, in my opinion. Sure enough, there was a little chunk of fluffy white stuff, my polyp. She was able to remove it all and it was SO tiny. I can't believe such a small thing can cause such a big problem. I felt great afterwards. No pain, nothing. Sam and I went out to dinner and even enjoyed some wine and cookies while watching Love Actually that night, but we also went to be at about 8:30. :)

The next morning, we got up, got ready, and Sam drove me to the airport. I left the cold weather in Seattle and headed to Phoenix. Funny thing is, it barely rained in Seattle, but it was raining in Phoenix! Ali picked me up, we checked into the hotel, enjoyed dinner at Red Robin, and then enjoyed a quiet evening in the hotel. Our appointment the next morning was pretty laid back, and super exciting. I had an ultrasound which showed my ovaries are "quiet" which is what they want. My lining was also nice and thin, as expected. We signed the final paperwork for the transfer at the appointment as well. We had to agree on two embryos, the risks or multiples, etc. It was rather exciting, and he almost accidentally revealed the sex of the embryos! He was very surprised that neither of us want to know! (Secretly, it'd be great to know, but I know it's better to just wait!) I just love him though. He is so calm, talks to you like a normal person, and makes everything SO comfortable.

On Monday, we added medications to my daily regiment. I'm now on Lupron, Aspirin, Prenatal Vitamins, Calcium +Vitamin D, Estrace and CoQ10.  The aspirin is to help prevent my platelets from attaching to the embryos once we transfer. The Estrace is to make my uterine lining grow, so that it will be a nice, happy place for the embryos to implant. My next appointment is on the 28th of November. I will fly out on my own for that. It will be a quick appointment, ultrasound to make sure my lining is nice and thick, and instructions on how to inject the Progesterone that I will be starting on the 30th! After that, just a few more days and we will finally complete the process.

It is so amazing to me that this is all finally coming to fruition. There have been times where it seemed like things weren't going to work out, but they definitely are now. In less then a month, God willing, I will be carrying two healthy babies for Ali and Brian!

traveling.

Anyone who has a doctor in their family knows how convenient that can be at times. My uncle is a pediatrician. My mom had him for a resource while my sister and I were little, and now my sister and I utilize his expertise as well.

Luckily, Ali and Brian also have a doctor in the family, and she just so happens to be an obstetrician. That's right, an OB. Lucky for all of us, she has the capability of completing the procedure I need done (polyp removal). Super lucky for Ali and Brian, she's not charging them for the procedure! How awesome is that. The only fees will be to the lab for pathology!

So, next week, I fly to Seattle to have my polyp removed! I'm nervous about flying alone...I hate flying. One of Brian's other aunts, Rebecca, will pick me up, take me to my appointment, take me back to her house for the night, and take me back to the airport on Thursday.

I'm excited that my friend Sam will be driving up from Portland to be with me for the procedure and to hang out with me afterwards. I've never had any type of anesthesia before, so I'm slightly nervous about how I will react to it. I have had patients come back from minor procedures with some pretty crazy responses to the sedation. Sam will be my person. Someone familiar to help keep me sane if I lose it!

Ali will stay with my kids while I'm away. It will be a long week for her as I will be working the three days prior to my trip. I'm definitely going to be missing the kids. This will be one of the longest periods of time I've been away from them since they'll stay with her from Sunday on. I'm hoping Carlos can get some time off so he can spend some time with them.

Thanks to hurricane Sandy, plane tickets have gone up in price significantly...if anyone has any spare miles they'd like to donate, please let me or Ali know ASAP. Plane tickets will be purchased in the next day or two.

****UPDATE****

We found out late this afternoon that out original timeline for the transfer will not be changed at all!! Such great news, but it also makes for an even busier week next week. From Seattle, I will fly to Phoenix. Ali will meet me out there for our Pre-Art (no idea what that means) appointment and then we will drive home together! It's going to be a long week, but it will be great!

holy hot flash.

Here come the side effects. After three weeks on Lupron, I'm finally starting to realize what things are side effects and what things are just me.

First came appetite loss. It didn't last long, but the first week or so on it, I really had to make myself eat meals. This was not a side effect that concerned me!

Then there were headaches. Headaches have been a problem for me for quite a while. I have headaches a few times a week. After being on the medication for a week, I realized I had experienced headaches almost every day.

Right about the time I connected the never ending headaches with the Lupron, my family also pointed out the crankiness. My patience has worn extremely thin. I have zero tolerance for much of anything from the kids or poor Carlos. I try to keep it all under control, but I think I'm failing pretty miserably. I'm getting really good at apologizing!

Next came exhaustion. I'm SO tired. All. The. Time. Normally, I will stay up until 11p.m. without any problem, and get up in the morning to get the kids ready for work and school, no problem. Lately, I'm passed out on the couch by 9pm. Carlos can get me up long enough to go upstairs, brush my teeth, wash my face, and get into bed, but that's about it. I could probably sleep all day and still be tired that evening.

Eventually, the hot flashes started. I really only notice them at night, so they aren't a huge problem. But then again, maybe that is why I'm so exhausted. When I'm in bed, one minute I'm fine, the next minute, I'm on fire and throwing all the covers off. Two minutes later, I'm freezing and trying to get the covers back on before I freeze to death!

Despite all of these things, I'm surviving. The injections don't bother me at all anymore. I only had two spots bruise up, the rest haven't hurt at all. I may be experiencing quite a few side effects, but they really aren't all that bad, in fact, some of them are pretty comical! In the end, they will all be worth it anyway.

a bump in the road.

So, here I am, sitting in the hotel in Arizona...waiting. I'm waiting for it to be time to check out and head over to my next appointment. The first appointment lead to an unexpected bump in the road. Hopefully, there is an easy fix and this little bump doesn't become a mountain we can't get over.

I finally was able to put faces to all the names I've been emailing and talking to on the phone over the course of the past few months. The office staff is amazing and Dr. Nemiro was pretty awesome too. My hysterosalpingogram however, not so amazing. I'm pretty sure he said, "you'll just feel a little cramp, maybe, just like a small contraction." Yup, I'm pretty sure that it felt kind of like a lot more than just a small contraction. First, they stick a metal rod called a "sound" through your cervix to measure the depth of the uterus. Apparently, I have a very small uterus for having had 2 children. It was so small, that he kept trying to see if my uterus was tilted and he just wasn't getting an accurate measurement. That caused some decent cramping, but nothing terrible. After measuring the uterus, they insert a small catheter through the cervix and use a vaginal ultrasound probe, as they fill the uterus with sterile water. That felt great absolutely horrible. I was so surprised by how much it was cramping, definitely not what I was anticipating. While filling the uterus, they found what appeared to be a polyp. They checked to make sure it wasn't just normal, fluffy, uterine tissue hanging down, but rubbing the catheter back and forth across it, repeatedly, trying to knock it off. That also felt amazing (insert sarcasm font). It wouldn't fall off. So, it is in fact a polyp. Or, our bump in the road.

In situations like ours, a polyp is not ideal. Polyps are harmless, but during pregnancy, the increased blood flow to the uterus puts the polyp at risk for bleeding. If it bleeds, it will irritate the uterus and can cause miscarraige or preterm labor. So, the polyp needs to come out. With most insurances, this wouldn't be a big deal. Dr. Nemiro would have simply scheduled for me to have it at the hospital down the street and we'd be on our way. Thanks to military insurance, it's much more difficult.

Basically, we have 3 options. Option number 1: Ali & Brian pay for the procedure, out of pocket. The estimated cost of this procedure $5-$6,000. Option number 2: I switch my insurance to Standard, find a PCP in Phoenix, make an appointment with him. Get a referal to Dr. Nemiro who will then schedule the procedure and Ali & Brian would simply have to pay copays. Option number 3: I see my PCP at the Naval Hospital and hope and pray that he will write a referal for me to go to Balboa to get the procedure done there.

I'm sure that 3 options sounds like it isn't really a bump in the road. However, anyone whose ever dealt with our insurance knows how difficult it can be to work with them, and this all has to be done in the next 2 weeks in order to keep our timeline. We are hoping that since polyps could be precancerous, my PCP will agree to sending me to Balboa, and Balboa will be willing to fit us in within the next 2 weeks. We are hopeful that this will work because "a 31 year-old doesn't typically have polyps." This should make the insurance want to cover the procedure because it would be in their best interest to take out something that could be precancerous. We are going to need a lot millions of prayers for this to happen. If it doesn't, then we need help to make up for this additional, unexpected cost.

Ok...now the second test is done and we are about to head home. Both tests were similar and neither felt very good. All the research I did before hand did not help. I was not expecting both tests to involve putting a catheter through my cervix and injecting something into my uterus. This time, they injected contrast so the could X-ray my Fallopian tubes. Thankfully, my tubes look perfect and the exam was fast.

Prayers appreciated that we are able o get the surgery approved to be done at Balboa so we can proceed with the surrogacy as planned!

big plans.

My first injection was on Tuesday, and I rocked it! I didn't feel a thing. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. These little subcutaneous injections are nothing. I'm still nervous about the big ones.

Thankfully, the big injections won't start until November 30th. I'm SO thankful for this. Since I gave away the date for the progesterone injections, I might as well tell you all that we have a complete timeline now. So, this is how the next month and a half will go...

October 17th: Carlos and I will be in Arizona for my first appointment at the fertility clinic. I will have a sonohysterogram (SHG). This is just a fancy word for an ultrasound of the uterus. They will be looking for any abnormalities that could make it difficult for the pregnancy to stick. I will also have a hysterosalpingography at a radiology clinic near the fertility clinic. In this exam, they will be looking at the fallopian tubes. This exam is invasive and according to the clinic makes you feel like you are "having bad period cramps." According to the people I know that have had one, it hurts. It hurts bad. Hopefully, it won't be that bad after all.

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Rest of October: I will continue taking the Lupron injections as I have been thus far.

November 5-9: Sometime during these four days, I will make another trip to the clinic for an ultrasound and appointment with the doctor. They will be looking at my uterine lining and checking my ovaries to be sure they have "shut down."

November 12th: I will start taking Estrace 6mg every morning. This is to replace the estrogen that I'm not producing from being on the Lupron. It will help to build my uterine lining up, and make my uterus a more desirable environment for the embryos to attach to. Thankfully, this is a pill. I will continue taking Lupron at this time, and will also start prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin and CoQ10 supplements.

This will be my bathroom

November 27-29: Sometime in these 3 days I will go to Arizona again. At this appointment, I will have another ultrasound to check my uterine lining, and sign the final permits for the embryo transfer. November 29th will be the last day that I take Lupron injections, but I will continue to take the Estrace.

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November 30th: Start Progesterone injections and progesterone lozenges. Progesterone is essential in sustaining a pregnancy.

This is where I have to inject myself...for 12 weeks!

December 3rd: Start Medrol and Zithromax. Medrol is a steroid and studies have shown that it reduces the risk of my body attacking the embryos after transfer. Zithromax is an antibiotic and is intended to prevent infection from occurring during and after the transfer.

December 4th: TRANSFER!!! That's right, on December 4th the transfer will occur! It is so exciting to finally have that date. It is happening on a big week...close to deployment time for Brian (the dad) and just a few days before Olyvia's birthday! I will stay in Arizona overnight after the transfer and then I have to take it very easy for the next week. In all honesty, I think I'm not going to want to move. At all. I want the baby/ies to stick. I don't want to jeopardize anything. So, maybe Ali will keep the kids for a few days so that I can really relax.

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So, that is it. That is the schedule. I'm assuming that dates could change throughout the process depending upon ultrasound results and everything else, but in general, these are the dates that it all will happen.

Stay tuned.

day one.

Tomorrow is the day. Well, not THE day, but pretty darn close. Tomorrow is the first day I take actual medications for the surrogacy. Tomorrow is the first day I have to inject myself. Tomorrow really starts it all, and I can't wait.

Lupron 20 units subq daily...for a really long time!

This will be me tomorrow morning.

I do this at work every single day, but I have a feeling it's not going to be nearly as easy as it is when I give the injection to someone else. I'm thankful that I get to start off with the easy ones.

Next week, I will make my first trip to Arizona. I look forward to meeting all the girls I have exchanged countless emails and phone calls with. I also look forward to making the trip with Carlos. We will stay one night, and he will go to all of my appointments with me. 

it's almost time.

I can't believe the time has just about come for all of this to really happen. Aahhhh...it's really happening! I feel like a kid before Christmas, but instead of waiting for Santa Clause to come, I'm waiting for Aunt Flow to show up!

It's not every month you sit around waiting for your cycle to start. In fact, most months I wish it would just not come at all, but this month is definitely different. Once I start, I have to call the fertility clinic. At that point, I'll be given my start date for my Lupron. From what I've read, the Lupron shuts down the pituitary gland and therefor reduces estrogen production, causing a rapid onset of menopause. That's right menopause. Bring on the hot flashes, bloating and all the other awesome symptoms of menopause. Watch out co-workers! I just might be a little cranky. My poor husband. Lucky for him, his friend just moved in across the street. My sources tell me he'll be spending some extra A LOT of time over. As long as he takes the kids, it's fine with me.

The Lupron will also be the first medication that I have to self inject. I only have to take it once a day, and it is a small, sub-cutaneous injection in my belly. I give this kind of shots to patients multiple times a day; the syringe is exactly the same as an insulin syringe. I'm hoping that when it comes to self-injecting, it will be just as easy as it is at work.

 

 

 

My Lupron Kits

Keep an eye out for an update in the next few days! I'll be sure to let everyone know once I start my inections!

this just got real.

This week has been incredibly eventful in our little world of Ali and Brian's surrogacy. Things are finally falling into place. It is all becoming very real.

A week ago today, Ali & Brian made their way to Arizona for Brian to provide his super swimmers and for Ali to be checked to see how well her medications were working. The appointment was eventful and terrifying at the same time. While on one hand everything was perfect and ready for the egg retrieval this week, on the other, they found out about some unexpected expenses. Mainly, the need for $9,000 in order for the egg retrieval to be done. This meant they/we had about 3 days to scrounge up 9 grand!

My heart was broken. I was so scared it wouldn't happen. That Ali's medications would have been wasted. That our timeline would have been completely shot. Thanks to an amazing friend, we thought up a great drive to raise some money. The Psalm 113-9 drive was started that very night. We asked that everyone donate $11.39 toward the surrogacy as Psalm 113-9 says: He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!

via

Well, the Lord is definitely deserving of some praise right now. The drive raised over $1000 and some of Ali and Brian's family members graciously loaned them the money needed. Now, we just have to help them raise the funds to pay it back. Another miracle (well actually lots of them) happened in this past week as Ali and Brian were finally approved for a loan to cover the rest of the costs of the surrogacy! That's right, no more worrying about whether or not it was going to happen...game on baby!

Ali spent all this week in Arizona having her follicles measured each day to ensure that they retrieved her eggs at their peak. On Thursday, they were able to retrieve 8 eggs. Today, we got notification that 6 of the eggs were fully developed and successfully fertilized! We will get another update on the status of the embryos on day three (Sunday) and then again on day five (Tuesday). At this point, they will sample each of the viable embryos and send the samples off for genetic testing. This will allow them to know which embryos are most likely to survive, and therefor will be the best to implant...in me!!

I will start my medications sometime in the middle of October, and that will also be the first time I make a trip out to the clinic. I can't wait to meet the girls in the office with whom I've exchanged many emails and phone calls. Up until now, there has always been a little something going on in the back of my mind, telling me that this wasn't going to happen. Financially, it has often seemed as though it wouldn't be possible. I am so excited to know that it REALLY is happening...holy cow, in just a few short months, I will God-willingly, be pregnant with Ali and Brian's baby/ies! I can't wait!!

Reality.

As many of you know, things have been moving along rather quickly lately. Well, next week, we are at risk of all things coming to a huge halt. Read all about it here on Ali's blog. Basically, she needs $9,000 by next Tuesday!!! Holy cow, that's a lot. But, it is also absolutely something that can happen. It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes it takes a village to make the child. If you have ever wanted to help out, now is the time!

Psalm 113:9
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!


We are asking that anyone who can, and is willing, donate $11.39 this weekend to help Ali and Brian make their family!! It isn't much, but if everyone does it, we can reach that $9,000 goal. It's easy, just
click on the "Donate here" button on the right, here on the blog. Or, you can head on over to  www.pathtoourmiracle.mydagsite.com/ and make a donation there. Either way you do it, all the money will go directly to the Stone Family Surrogacy Fund to help make this all happen! Don't have $11.39 that you can donate? That's ok, but please, if you can find it in your heart, share our story with anyone and everyone you know!

Thank you all SO much for all of your support up until now and as the days, weeks and months go on!!

From here

schedule.

Wow...it has been a while! But, I'm back and hoping to keep things up-to-date a bit more. In all honesty, nothing much has happened since my last post. The fundraiser/auction was a huge success and brought in right around $1,000. Ali is planning another fundraiser, featuring gift baskets, for late October...just in time for holiday shopping! If you are interested in donating items, gift certificates, or just plain old money, please contact me or Ali! Every penny counts right now and all donations, no matter how big or small, are greatly appreciated!

Click Here To Help Us Out!

Since all the financing hasn't come through as well as expected, the timeline got pushed back a little bit. Initially, the plan was for November/December time frame. Then, things changed a bit and we hoped to do it in September. Now, because of funding, we are looking at November/December again. Ali starts her medications this week! She had her first real appointment at the clinic last Friday. She has an official calendar stating when everything will happen. If all goes well, they should retrieve her eggs the last week of this month! That is so exciting. After they retrieve her eggs, they will fertilize them with Brian's little swimmers, let them grow a few days, and then send them off to the lab to for chromosome testing. The chromosome testing insures that they implant the strongest, most likely to survive, embryos. Then, the eggs are frozen and wait to be implanted, in me!

From Here

As for me, I will start medications next month. Lupron will be the first medication I have to start. It is a subcutaneous injection in my belly. I will start that between day 1 and 4 of my next cycle. The point of Lupron is to basically put me in to menopause. It will stop my body from producing eggs. Along with that, I will experience the lovely side effects of menopause, hot flashes, bloating, etc. After about a week on the medication, I will make a trip out to Arizona for an ultrasound and all sorts of other things. Three weeks later, I will go back to Arizona for another ultrasound to check my ovaries and my uterine lining to insure that the dose I'm on is appropriate.

From Here

If everything looks okay at that point, I will start Estrace, COQ10 and Baby Aspirin. Sixteen days later, I will have another ultrasound to make sure my uterine lining is nice and thick. At that point, if everything is progressing as it should, and my uterus is in prime condition, we will set a date for transfer and to start the scary progesterone injections! Coworkers who are reading this, I just may hit you up to inject my but...I'm just not sure I can do it to myself!

Uterine Lining

It is all so real now. I will be getting my medications in the next few weeks and will find out when I need to go to Arizona for testing soon as well. I can't wait!

silent auction.

Today, the silent auction opens up over at Ali's blog, Path To Our Miracle, at 4PM PST.
There are SO many great items featured there. Handmade baby blankets, lots of Thirty-One products, tons of hair bows and so much more! Starting bids are set at great prices, so it is a good opportunity to get yourself something at a very reasonable cost, all while helping Ali and Brian reach their goal!

Here are the guidelines for the auction:

Thank you for participating in the silent auction to raise funds for our surrogacy journey. We are sure you will enjoy the items that have been donated. To insure everything goes smoothly, and bids are counted, please follow the guidelines below. GOOD LUCK!

• Items Posted with photos, description, and starting bid.
• Bid is made by posting comment on the item. 
• Whole dollar amounts only
• Email address MUST be left in comment. (will be deleted after auction for your privacy, but bid will not be valid without an email address.
• May not bid below starting bid. 
• Bidding opens Wednesday, August 15th at 4:00pm PACIFIC TIME
• Bidding will close Sunday, August 19th at 8:00pm PACIFIC TIME
• Winners will be contacted through email. 
• Payments made through PayPal.
• The cost of shipping will be posted in each item. 
• When buying more than one item, shipping may possibly be combined and decreased.
• Items will be shipped 7-10 days after payment is made.
• Sorry, we will not ship internationally. 

Thank you all so much for your support throughout all of this. Happy Bidding and please feel free to share the auction with all your friends and family!!!

discipline sucks sometimes.

So, this post has nothing to do with surrogacy. But, it has everything to do with family and raising kids. I would guess that at least once a month I ask Ali if she is 100% sure she wants "some of these," while referring to my children! She always has the same response, "of course!" My kids are crazy. My kids are stubborn. My kids are each a handful in their own way.

Olyvia has grown up so much lately, and we love it. She can have real conversations. She loves to help out with laundry, loading the dishwasher, setting the table, and other small tasks. It is great. However, the more she grows up, the higher the expectations I have for her. That, is not so great. After all, she is still only four.

This week, we grounded Olyvia for the first time. What did a four-year-old do to get grounded you might ask? Well, she went to the neighbors house without telling us. To some, that may not be a huge deal, but it has taken a lot for me to let her go out and play with the neighbors without complete supervision. So, when I went outside to get her to come in for bath time, I was furious when she was not outside. Thankfully, she hadn't wandered off or been kidnapped or anything, in fact, she was technically under the same roof as us. She just went into the attached-neighbors house to play. However, that is one of our rules, no going in cars, no leaving our cul-de-sac, and no going in houses without telling us first. Carlos grounded her to the house immediately. She could play anywhere in the house or in the back yard, but she could not go out and play with friends, she couldn't pick movies/tv shows, and she couldn't pick songs on the radio. Basically, all decision making for two days was handed over to Ethan!

Well, at first, we totally thought she understood what it meant to be grounded. Then, she kept yelling out to her friends to let them know she was grounded. She almost sounded like she was proud! It drove me crazy, but hey, she's four. In the evening of the first day, Ethan and I went for a walk and left her behind with Carlos since she wasn't allowed outside. When I came back, she was upstairs and being very quiet. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was changing her panties because they were wet. Okay, so she had a little accident, no biggie. Then she proceeds to say she needs to change her dress because it is wet. She had completely peed her pants, while sitting on the carpet in the playroom, playing a game. She hadn't bothered to tell her dad. She just went up and tried to rectify the situation on her own. I was furious!

It was then decided that she would be grounded to her room for the second day of her grounding, meaning that she would also miss Family Day at Carlos' work and a pool party for Carlos' friends son. This also meant that I was stuck staying home with her. Wait...why did I ground her again? Ugh! Now I don't get to go anywhere fun either! The sacrifices we make. Now I understand why there were times when my mom would give in and let us go somewhere when we were grounded. At least I got a basically "kid free" day to do some major cleaning! I keep reminding myself that consistency is the key and if I stay strong it will benefit us all later. But next time I decide upon a discipline, I just might think twice and make sure I'm not going to be punished as well.

deserving.

Does one person deserve to be a parent more than another? I mean, aside from someone who has committed crimes against children and things like that, does someones struggle make them more deserving than someone else?

Only God can answer why some people are unable to have children. He is the only one who can decide. I often struggle with the fact that SO many people have children and choose to neglect them, while there are millions of people out there struggling with infertility, that would do anything to have and protect a child.

From Rebecca at Simple As That

Then we have Ali. She's never "struggled" with infertility. She's never even tried to get pregnant. Yet, she can't carry a pregnancy without risking her own life. Does the fact that she hasn't suffered from multiple miscarriages and IVF attempts make her any less deserving of this surrogacy? I don't think it does. I think she is incredibly blessed to have found out before it was too late. Had she attempted a pregnancy before making sure it was safe, she may not be here right now. She is blessed to have not had to suffer the loss of a pregnancy. She is blessed to have not had to exhaust all their resources attempting IVF and failing.

That being said, why does she feel guilty asking for help in paying for the surrogacy? Would it be great if they had the money on their own? Of course! It would be fabulous. But, they just found out last year that a pregnancy wasn't possible. That hasn't allowed much time for saving up. They also survive off of a single, military income. Everyone knows that military paychecks don't leave much room for savings. So to expect them to be able to afford a $40,000ish IVF process would be insane. No one likes asking for help and Ali is really struggling with it.

In my opinion, she has every right to ask for help. She deserves to have her dreams of being a mother come true, just like all those women out there who have been struggling with infertility for years. Now, if only I could get her to see just how deserving she is.

fears and fundraising.

Who would have thought these two things would have gone together? I definitely never have, but when it comes down to it, they do.

First of all, fears. There are so many things that scare me or make me nervous about the whole process. I've talked about some of them before, but now I have a few to add. My friend Sam just completed her surrogacy journey, you can check out her blog here! She was successful in her journey in the sense that she baked two amazing babies and helped to create a family that may not have ever been. However, she also hit a lot of potholes along the way.

She spent the first ten weeks or so on bed rest secondary to bleeding. She suffered from hyper-emesis gravidarum, resulting in many trips to the hospital for IV fluids, secondary to dehydration from all the time she spent praying to the porcelain gods. The final few weeks of her pregnancy were spent in and out of the hospital suffering from severe headaches, swelling, high blood pressure and preeclampsia. She was finally induced at 35 weeks and delivered two very healthy babies. One week later, she found herself in the hospital again, after waking up, unable to breath. She was then diagnosed with PeriPartum Cardiomyopathy. She is out of the hospital now and doing very well, but her life has been permanently altered from the surrogacy. She will not be able to get pregnant ever again because of the cardiomyopathy. She will spend at least the next few years (possibly the rest of her life) on heart medications and will have to watch her diet for the rest of her life. That is a lot to ask of a previously healthy twenty-four-year-old woman. What if any of that happens to me?

What happened to Sam is very rare. Few pregnancies result in any of those complications and probably fewer result in all of them. I keep reminding myself that if everyone went through what Sam went through, no one would be a surrogate. Yet, I know many people that have done multiple surrogacies and would do it again in an instant. In fact, I know someone who may be transfering right before us, for her second time. First time around, she didn't spend any time on bed rest and had a great, healthy pregnancy.

If something happened, making me unable to bear more children, that would be ok. I don't want anymore children of my own anyway. My two are plenty enough! But, what if I have to spend that much time on bed rest and in and out of the hospital. Can we survive without my income? How will my children handle me not being able to do the things with them that we have always done? Will they be okay with spending a ton of time with a babysitter, if necessary? Will possible complications take a toll on my marriage? While I'm nervous about all of these things, and the injections, procedures, labor, delivery and everything else, I still want to do this. I feel it on my heart just as much now as I ever have before. I'm ready.

Now to the fundraising, which raises another fear. What if I've mentally and physically prepared myself for this, prepared my family and friends, and it doesn't happen? I keep forgetting that if the financial aspects don't fall into place, there will be no surrogacy. I want to help Ali and Brian have a baby so bad and I would absolutely hate for it to not happen because of money. That isn't fair. I didn't have to spend thousands of dollars to make my babies, why should they? I wish their insurance covered it. I wish there was some magical way to just make the money appear. Unfortunately, there isn't. The fact of the matter is, there is still a ton of money to raise and Ali and Brian are going to need help.

Ali has applied for a few grants, but sadly got notification this week that they were not the recipients of any of them. Hundreds of people apply, and only a few grants are distributed. They are also in the process of applying for more loans, but a military income isn't always high enough when looking to borrow money. I pray every night that they will be approved and I hope that is enough. The next step is an online auction. Ali is hoping to get it up and running on August 15th. We are still collecting donations at this point, and need all the donations we can get. We are looking for anything...if you have a home-based business and can donate a gift certificate or some of your products, that would be fabulous. If you don't have a home-based business and still want to help, you can always donate things from your home. Have anything laying around, still in the package even though you bought it weeks ago? Do you have any gently used decor, jewelry, books, movies, anything really that people would want to bid on and wouldn't cost a fortune to ship? If you do, please contact us and let us know. You can reach me via email at mypodtheirpea at gmail dot com. Right now, we simply need a picture and the estimated value of the item. If you don't have anything to donate, you can always participate in the auction. We already have hand made blankets, hoop art, Thirty-One bags, Scentsy gift packs, diaper covers, hair clips, photography sessions and much more!

Hoop Art by my sister!

Blanket made by Ali's Grandma!

Thank you all so much for your continued support. It warms my heart to see how much everyone is willing to help this miracle happen.

appointments.

The 18th was a big day for me as far as the surrogacy goes. I had not one, but two appointments that day to discuss the pregnancy. For some reason, I was SO nervous about both of them. Now, I'm so happy they are both completed.

My first appointment was at the good ol' Naval Hospital here on base to discuss ordering some tests needed for the surrogacy. I love my new (since May) doctor, and was hopeful that she would still be supportive of the surrogacy. Thankfully, she was. She remembered seeing me in May and discussing the surrogacy then, and as soon as I told her I had blood work I needed ordered, she got on the computer and started putting them in. She even went as far as to call the fertility clinic herself to clarify one of the orders. She also looked over my prescriptions an did her best to get them filled. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to get the Lupron for me, but at least she tried. She even put in a call to the head pharmacist to see if he could order it. Since IVF is not done at the Naval Hospital, they said they could not order it.

NHCP

My second appointment was with the IVF coordinator from the clinic. Since the clinic is in Arizona, we had a phone consult. It was great to finally talk to her myself, after playing phone tag, exchanging a few emails and using Ali as a go-between a few times. I finally have an actual understanding of all the procedures that have to be done prior to the embryo transfer, the medications, the transfer and the follow up care. Knowing everything and having somewhat of a "timeline" makes everything so much more exciting and real.

Stay tuned for scary fun information on medications and tests!

P.S. Check out my story on All Things Surrogacy!!

friday.

I'm linking with Jeannett at Life Rearranged for InstaFriday!

There isn't much news to report so far on the surrogacy this week. I'm anxiously waiting for my phone consult with the IVF coordinator at the clinic next week so that I can have a better understanding of the whole process. Ali found a grant she qualified for yesterday, so we are all praying that they get accepted! It would be a huge help if they did.

Over the weekend, we went up to Temecula for Ethan to get a haircut. Unfortunately, I was NOT happy with the cut because it wound up too short, but there was a huge thrift store right next to the barber shop, so it all worked out. Olyvia and I had a great time searching for dresses for her to use for dress up. She found a hat too, and loved looking at all the "glass stuff." 

We decided this weekend that we were in need of new towels. Ours are old and it is time. I decided to push the envelope a bit and started shopping for a new shower curtain, curtains and accessories. I love our shower curtain, but it was a wedding present six years ago. I'm ready for something new, and thankfully, so is Carlos. This lovely curtain will be stored away once our new one arrives next week. I can't wait!

Olyvia will be starting "big girl school" this fall, so we hit up a park with her new friend Sydney, who will also be in her class. They had a blast, and we wore the kids out...that is a successful park trip! Aren't they adorable?

The kids have been in VBS all week, and I'm not sure who is loving it more, me or them! It has been great to have a few hours to myself every morning, but I'm really loving hearing about everything they learned each day. Here is Olyvia, wrapping her broken wand with white paper, "just like they wrapped Jesus in a white cloth after they took him off the cross." 

That's it for this week. We were so busy with things, we didn't really take a lot of pictures this week. Can't wait to share all the new bathroom details next week!!

last 2 weeks.

I'm linking with Jeannett at Life Rearranged for InstaFriday, but since I missed last week while we were camping, I'm posting for 2 weeks worth! 


Carlos and the kids made the dogs this lovely house...he forgot to buy paint, so he let the kids color on the wood while he cut other pieces. The dogs don't like it much...that is pee outside from when we tried to force them in.

For those of you who don't know...we went camping! It was our first family camping trip and we loved it. Here are the kids all ready to head out (note the awesome Smokey The Bear hat that Ethan is wearing, it used to be mine when I was his age)! Do you think we took enough stuff??

These sweet faces melt my heart.

"Now, I am Hawkeye!" Check out his war face!

Story time before bed...even when camping! The only difference, this included a ton of dirt and some really sticky faces/hands from snacking on s'mores.

Famous last words, "we don't need to take a nap, we aren't tired."

We rode the chair lift to the top of Snow Summitt and then hiked around up there. The kids LOVED it and it was the hubbies first time on a lift as well. While I was scared to death being up so high, the view coming down was amazing.

The day after we got home from camping, I went to one of my oldest friends wedding. We have known each other since first grade, and I love Amber like a sister. Her wedding was amazing, and it was great to catch up with her and our friend Jamie. I can't wait to see her next month after her honeymoon to Malaysia.

The kids had such a great time with their stick bow and arrows, that Carlos bought them real ones. He even took them out on the 4th to get new targets. Here is Ethan taking his best shot while Ali, Brian, Carlos and I sat around the fire to watch.

We were lucky enough to "kind of" be able to see the fireworks from the backyard. The kids jumped in the trampoline as they watched. Olyvia said she loves fireworks because they remind her of Disneyland! She also asked if Tinkerbell would be at the fireworks and was pretty disappointed that she didn't make an appearance.

Sorry for the insta-overload. It was a great two weeks of family time!