devastation.

Words cannot adequately describe how I'm feeling right now. Today was supposed to be amazing. It was supposed to be the best day of this whole journey. Instead, it was the worst.

It started yesterday, knowing that I would be getting my blood drawn today was causing so much anxiety. It was finally the time when we would find out, 100%, if this was going to actually happen. All along, we've remained incredibly optimistic and hardly acknowledged the possibility of a failed transfer. After all, they had the fancy chromosome testing done to insure the best of the best were being transfered. My lining was perfect. The transfer went smoothly, why wouldn't it work.

I didn't sleep well last night thanks to all the anxiety. This morning, I was practically sick to my stomach thinking of what could happen today. I did my best to get the kids ready and off to school, and headed straight to the Naval Hospital. Last week, I had emailed my doctor to make sure that I could go straight to the lab with the orders from Dr. Nemiro, and since they had said yes, I made my way straight there. Of course, once I was there, things didn't go so smoothly...they were killing me! Since Dr. Nemiro was not in their system, they could not put the order through. They needed more information from Dr. Nemiro, and we would also have to wait for a specific person to add him, and she didn't get in until 9am. Oh, but I forgot to mention that she takes the bus to work, and with all the rain, who knows if she will be late or not. To avoid any extra waiting and stress, I headed over to my doctor's clinic and asked the the nurse if they could just put the order in for me. Thankfully, she did, and I headed back to get my blood drawn. I turned the corner and there was a HUGE line for the lab. Before, I had walked straight up to the counter! Ugh!! Don't these people know I had something important to do!? I finally got drawn, and then I had to wait...they said it would be about an hour.

I returned to the clinic and let them know I'd be waiting there. Thankfully, the Naval Hospital has wifi now, so at least I was able to get online and try to distract myself. After being there for about 30 minutes, and trying to stay calm, my friend Heather showed up with her son. It was SO nice to see them. They were there for her son to get a flu shot, and due to allergies, they would have to wait for a while afterwards. It was nice to have some company there to help distract me.

As soon as the clerk started walking toward me with my results, I knew it as bad news. I could tell by the look on her face that I was not going to be happy with what the paper in her hand was going to tell me. My HCG was only 1.2. To be even close to be considered pregnant, the HCG needs to be at least 5. I thanked Heather for keeping me company and headed to my car, trying my best to hold it together. As soon as I got outside, I called the clinic to let them know. Tears started flowing immediately and I could barely read my results to Jubilee. I asked them to call Ali, I was too scared to do it. I sent out a few texts and then sat in my car crying. I pulled it together a little and drove over to Ethan's school to pick him up. On the way, I missed a call from the doctor. I called him right back, but he had just stepped out, so I sat outside the school and waited for him to call.

Once he called back, the tears started flowing again. In his words, the office was very surprised that I had called with negative results. It was not at all what they had expected to hear. The embryos were fantastic, and very high grade. He said that the embryologist was shocked. He went on to say that they have an 84% success rate when chromosome testing is done. That's pretty good for a fertility clinic. But, that also means that 16% of the time, it just doesn't work, and there's no explanation why. What he said next was very surprising to me. He wants me to continue taking my medications. Say what? I just got a negative test, further attempts are not possible, why would I keep the medications going? While he said we should not remain hopeful, and he doesn't want us to go through this disappointment again, he wants me to get my blood drawn again on Monday.

It turns out, there have been a few instances where the initial HCG was incorrect. Just three weeks ago, they had a similar case where a woman with great embryos came back with a negative test. They just couldn't believe it, so they kept her on her medications and rechecked her four days later. At that point, her levels were where they were supposed to be, she really was pregnant. Had they stopped her medications after the first blood test, she would have lost the baby. Therefore, he felt he needs to again follow his instincts and keep the medications in my system. I have an appointment at a different lab Monday morning at 8am, right before I go to work. It will truly be a miracle if we get a positive result on Monday, but I'm up for continuing the medications and seeing what God's plan truly is.

I will be elated if the results change, but ultimately, I'm prepared for them to be exactly the same. I can't go through this pain again in just a few days. At this point, I just want to accept God's will and His plan. While we may not be able to understand his reasoning now, someday, we will. Maybe there is a baby being born somewhere that Ali and Brian are meant to adopt, and if this had worked, it wouldn't happen. Prayers are appreciated now, just as much as they ever have been. Prayers for peace in our hearts and minds, and strength to go on despite such devastating news.