Thursday, April 19, 2012

whirling emotions, and I'm not even on hormones yet.

Lord help my husband when I start hormone injections. I'm going to be a mess! I have a feeling he will become much closer to his Harley when the whole process gets started.

This whole experience has already been an emotional roller coaster full of excitement, fear, frustration, happiness and whole lot more. Most of the feelings right now stem from the unknown, but there are SO many questions running through my head all the time.

Did I really just say I'll have their baby!? Yep, that question has run through my head a few times. I never really LOVED being pregnant. I didn't hate it, but it definitely was not some wonderful experience that I want to repeat over and over again. Labor and delivery was easy for me, but pregnancy is nine months long and is full of all sorts of things that just aren't very fun!

I finally have lost all the weight, what if I get fat again!? I did not do very well with weight gain during pregnancy. Carlos was great about telling me I was "all belly," but lets face it, he just wanted to get laid and he knew that if he told the truth, the likelihood of that happening would be even less. It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get, and keep, that excess weight off. My goal right now is to get into as good of shape as I can now so that I can stay motivated to work hard during the pregnancy and avoid excessive weight gain.

What if the transfer doesn't take?? This is my biggest fear. Pregnancy came easy to me. If I don't get pregnant, I will be devastated. What if I miscarry?? Again, pregnancy comes easy to me. How will I handle a miscarriage, even though the baby isn't mine. What if they hate me because I lose the baby or the transfer doesn't take? The fear of something going wrong and hurting Ali and Brian is constantly in me. I know it is not in my control, but it still scares me to no end.

I get to feel a life growing inside of me, and bring a baby into the world again!! You know the best part, after I have the baby/babies, I will get to sleep in! That's right, 6-8 weeks off work to recover, and I won't have to wake up every 2 hours to feed and comfort a newborn. How awesome is that! I may have a bit of baby fever, but I definitely don't want to raise another child!

What if it really is hard to give the baby to Ali? This has to be my biggest fear. This is definitely one of the reasons why I always thought people who were surrogates were crazy. How can you spend nine months growing an amazing little baby, only to hand them over. Sure, the baby will not be MINE in any way, but I can't imagine not developing some sort of bond with the baby. I pray about this all the time. I pray that it doesn't crush my heart to part ways with the baby. I pray that the fact that I will be an Auntie to the baby will make it easier. I pray that knowing I will be able to have a relationship and watch him/her grow will relieve some of the pain. Hopefully it will be easy. Hopefully my prayers will be answered. Hopefully the constant reminders of the baby NOT being mine throughout the pregnancy, will help me bond with the little miracle while maintaining an appropriate relationship with him/her!

I have gotten SO many questions regarding a lot of these things since I first started the blog, so I figured I would go ahead and post this now. I'm sure I'll have another post like this in the future as things will change throughout each phase of the process. It is hard to believe that I already have so many feelings about all of this and it really hasn't even started!!


  1. Caryn, I cannot even imagine all of the feelings, thoughts, fears, concerns and everything that you are going through. I pray that God gives you strength through it all, that he comforts you and that you are reminded what an amazing person you are, regardless of the outcome. It is normal to feel selfish, and to worry about your self and your own life first, afterall... that's how us as humans are made, to put ourselves first. But what you have decided to do is amazing, something not many women could do! You are one of the strongest people that I know and I have confidence that you can get through it!!! :)

  2. I know we've gone over this a few times together and I know you've got a great attitude towards the fact that this won't be your baby, and the reason you're doing it is that a great friend of yours deserves to be a Mommy just like you! You're the Pod... it's their pea.. :) Excellent Moto! And I'm pretty sure pea pods always have more than one pea btw! lol ...just a footnote.... You've always been the person who sets her mind to something and does it! You're allowed to worry, cry, laugh, and have fun with this too! Ali is going to be right there every step of the way with you, while Carlos is out riding his Harley! :) Obviously it's going to be a rough nine months, but a joyous nine months also! Time flies by! We can all just pray for you and the parents of this little baby to be.... and help you all get through it the best we can!

  3. Caryn, I love being able to read your thoughts. It opens my eyes more to who you are, and what an unselfish gift this is. We all have concerns as we make plans to have a baby, but you, as that very special Pod have all new concerns. Concerns that we have for ourselves and our husbands, but you have them for Ali and Brian as well, plus some we never had to think about. And they're all fair questions, and fears. I see your support team in your family and friends and I'm so thankful for that. I will be praying for you Caryn, and for Carlos and the kids while you're hormonal.;) I'll pray for peace of mind, and that as those questions and fears come, God will give you the answers to soothe your heart.